December 13, 2006

I just saw “The Nativity Story” in theaters with Vicki. That is such a good movie. It made me cry.  A little cliché with some of the visuals- not as historically accurate as I would have liked, but sooo good.  It got it right on all the things that mattered.  It was historically accurate in so many ways. I need to pack tonight. Beckah and I are leaving tomorrow afternoon or evening.  All I have to do is present my tri board for Reading Diagnosis, and that is it! All of my other work is finished! FINISHED! I can’t believe it. It’s been such a long hard semester.

Wow. The way Joseph was to Mary in the movie really reminded me of what I want in a husband.  He was gentle, patient, kind. He was frustrated and angry at first when he saw she was pregnant before they were married, but even before his dream he said he would not accuse her.  He told her how badly it hurt him, but he did not yell at her.  Then after God gave him the dream he apologized and told her he believed her.  He totally led her and took care of her. Literally. Through the whole thing.  On their journey to Bethlehem from Nazareth.  They were just ordinary poor people. Jews.  But he loved her so much and God gave them a great love for Jesus before He was even born.  They were so young.  Joseph was about my age, and Mary was probably very young. Between 13 and 19 I suspect.  Mary trusted God wholly.  She did not know why she had been chosen.  And how great is it that wise men came to seek Kings Jesus. And shepherds too. God so wanted people to know that His son was for the lowly and the great.  For everyone.  Jews and Gentiles.  Wow. The gospel was preached at the beginning of Christ’s life.

I often talk to Jesus about that part of his life that was left out of the records.  From birth to 12, then from 12 to 30.  What was he doing when he was my age? God reminded me that Jesus was under a lot of pressure too.  Often there was too much work to do as a carpenter, too many orders and not enough time.  Staying up late, not getting enough sleep, working by fire light etc. All for God and for the glory it brought him.  Everyone probably wondered why he didn’t get married as he got older.  He was very close to his cousin John, I think.  They probably discussed what he was long before the world knew.  Jesus may have discipled him. John may have been his first disciple. Or maybe they didn’t know each other at all. Maybe Mary and Elizabeth were too far apart and their families couldn’t see each other very often. Maybe that’s why it was so amazing.  John was prophesying the coming of his own cousin. And how young was he when he started?

The movie really pointed out how much outcasts Mary and Joseph must have been in their community. She was pregnant  before she was in his house. Either they really broke the rules, people thought, or she cheated on him.  Then for them to have a son that didn’t marry? And stayed at home for so long? I wonder what else he did.  He must have had girls like him. Have crushes on him.  He probably attracted everyone. He was God.  And he resisted all of it. All the temptations to have a wife and children.  To kiss a woman.  He must have had great temptation as a young man.  Huge.  But he was without sin.  What a huge weight to be on him. To know he had to be without sin. In thought and word and deed.  Wow. And he did it all for God’s glory and for the love of us all.

Currently Listening Ripen By Shawn McDonald see related

Ok, be prepared guys; this is a long one. : )

I think the great challenge of my life- I take that back, the life that God has graciously given to me- will be to write something that has absolutely nothing to do with romance between a man and a woman.  Something that God will do that is exceptional and will make His name famous and is about the great romance of Christ to His church and the greatest love in all the world. The love of Christ and the Love of God.  That is a great challenge. I was just thinking how I don’t want to force myself to write what I don’t want to write.  No need to explain current events or  things that have happened lately just for the sake of having them recorded. That’s stupid. I need to let what is in me flow out.

Like how I just scooted forward in my chair and I jammed my toe into the wall cause I didin’t realize that my foot was hanging and that I didn’t pull my toes up as I should of.  That kind of thing always freaks me out and reminds me of the effects of my tumor and my recovery.  The fact that I still have a hard time knowing what angle my foot is at and what direction my ankle is bending my left foot.  It makes my toe hurt cause I still have a slightly infected ingrown toenail on that foot.

See, stuff like that. No one wants to know that! But I want to write it! Just cause it came to mind.  I tend to watch TV and movies and get inspired and want to write then when I do make myself sit down and write I forget what it was I was going to say.

WE are all so consumed with ourselves.  I had this amazing talk with Kemi O. tonight and she reminded me how Big God is.  She told me about her plane ride from Africa to the United states, and how weird it was for her to look down and see cities like Atlanta from so far up that they were barley a speck.  And a person in comparison to a city? So small and insignificant. God made this world so huge and us so small for a reason.  To let us know where our place is. But do we pay attention? No! The whole world is in the palm of God’s hand.  How small does that make us in comparison to him? Yet, we don’t get it! I don’t get it! We are totally consumed with ourselves. The world revolves around us. “ME, ME, ME! LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME! WHAT I WANT! WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY THIS INSTANT! HOW DARE YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL SAD! I HATE THEM. THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THEM. PEOPLE JUST DON’T KNOW. PEOPLE JUST DON’T APPRECIATE ME AND ALL I CAN DO”

Give me a break! I am sick of myself and everyone else who thinks like that! That would be basically, all of humanity.  Except for those gracious divine moments when the Holy Spirit focuses us on our Father and gives us the heart of Christ to love someone else above ourselves.  Those moments are great.  True joy is found in those moments.

I just keep realizing lately, and I keep seeing evidence of this fact everywhere.  How consumed people are with themselves. And how all decisions are made in order to make themselves look good.  That’s very judgmental of me, but I do see it. And I see it in myself. Not enough. I’m not humble enough.  But I also see what Christ does in the hearts of those who are His.  He makes us not care so much about making ourselves famous but making His Father famous.  Not caring so much about our own reputations, because it isn’t about us anyway. It’s the biggest joke in the world. And most of humanity isn’t in on it.  We are all here for the Father’s glory.  We are objects of his mercy and objects of his wrath.  That’s all there is to it.  And yet there are those who deny his existence. And in his mercy, he allows them that freedom of choice. But in his complete justice, he will punish them for it. Because they had time. Plenty of time.  He is overabundant in the time he gives us to see Him.  Every sunset. Every blade of grass. Every smile of someone we love.  It all reflects him.

May all my words, if they are to be read by anyone but my Father, glorify Him. 

My greatness means nothing. It is the Father’s greatness that counts.  Just as the opinions of other people mean nothing.  “It matters not” God keeps saying to me.

Oh! Something else sooooo strange happened today in my discussion with Kemi.  Kemi brought up Psalm 139 to me and quoted some of it.  That is the second time in a few weeks that someone has specifically quoted Psalm 139 to me.  God led Megan Reynolds to read it to me in our small group during prayer one night a few weeks ago.  I think God really wants me to take it to heart and study it. I’m going to copy it from Bible Gateway and paste it in here.

Psalm 139 of the HOLY BIBLE

n.i.v.

Psalm 139 (New International Version)

New International Version (NIV)

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

“Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 1 O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.

 2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.

 3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.

 4 Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.

 5 You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.

 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.

 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?

 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.

 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 10 even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me,"

 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
       the night will shine like the day,
       for darkness is as light to you.

 13 For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother's womb.

 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.

 15 My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

 16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.

 17 How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
       How vast is the sum of them!

 18 Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake,
       I am still with you.

 19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
       Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

 20 They speak of you with evil intent;
       your adversaries misuse your name.

 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
       and abhor those who rise up against you?

 22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
       I count them my enemies.

 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
       test me and know my anxious thoughts.

 24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
       and lead me in the way everlasting.”

This is what I need to meditate on and learn from about my identity in Christ.  I want to have God confidence and God peace. I want to have the heart of Christ and love people unselfishly. Serve people with no thought of myself. Take joy in it because it is Christ’s joy for me to serve.  I feel that I am so beyond it. That I will never attain it.  I know I will never be perfect until I am in the kingdom.  I always want my Father to be greater than I am.  He is so worthy to be praised. I love being in the shadow of his wings. Cared for by Him.  Loved and sheltered and at peace.  Perfectly fit. 

I am very sick and I don’t feel good but I have a bunch of thoughts buzzing about in my brain.  It doesn’t really matter if I die cause when I die is when God wanted me to and then I’ll be in the kingdom and it is so much better than this place. However, right now God wants me to be breathing and alive and He has given me some lovely thoughts. I will relate them to you, whoever “you” are now:

When it comes to relationships, definitions and extremes are good. Let me explain.  I hate the idea of being in a time of my relationship with my husband when we are both getting to know each other as friends and we are attracted to each other, and maybe we flirt innocently etc. but we haven’t told each other how we feel. I hate that part. It’s torture. But perhaps it’s necessary torture. I do have a privilege mentality on this issue. Thinking I deserve to enjoy and not be stressed out by the budding of my future marriage. I don’t deserve anything. I deserve hell. Anything else is a gift and a blessing and God is gracious to give it.  That’s just the truth.  So, maybe all my thoughts on this are just silly.  It would be more comfortable not to have the time of non- definition. You know, defining the relationship.  It’s good when relationships are defined.  Acquaintances, friends, good friends, courtship, engagement, married.  These things are good. Except when you really have feelings for someone.  Then the label “friends” doesn’t seem to be enough. You want more. There’s that selfish mentality again.  These things should be decided, as everything, in terms of what God’s best is for us.  Asking Him what to do in all these situations.  A future mate is a big deal.  Christian girls want to (and it’s very hard to do) not assume anything until the guy has made his intentions clear.  That is such a hard place to be. We want to know. I want to know. I don’t like being in limbo.  Maybe the peace we seek for is not found in a further definition of the relationship, but in accepting where God has us in the relationship in the present.  WE don’t deserve any more.  His timing is best.  We should trust God to lead that man to pursue us and make his intentions known at the right time. If we are really considering him as a future mate in our hearts (which is hard not to do, even though it’s better to guard our hearts until his intentions are clear) he should be the type of man who lays everything at the feet of Christ and really seeks God about such decisions.  Trust God for our best. Wow. What a concept. God, you are cool. God tells me things and teaches me things as I write. Isn’t that amazing? And you just read it all. How awesome.  This has to go online. This glorifies God. 

Love you guys. Hope this built you up a bit.

Rachel Nye

I am really bad about keeping up with xanga right now. school has gotten busy.  God is teaching me so much right now though.

Not to be dependent on idols like movies and tv

to be creative every day

to embrace who I am in Christ

Not to compare myself to other Christians- not to be bitter or envious

To go deeper.

My soul purpose should be to love Christ, obey Him and love people. Bring the gospel to whoever Christ calls me to. But do I do this? No. I'm a chicken.  I need Jesus. I really hate the way school gets so unimportant in my mind these days. Especially after Everything God brought me through this year I am so aware of what really matters and what does not. It's hard for me to be stuck in this limbo of college before we get out into the "real world" and do what God has called us to do permanently.

But as God keeps reminding me these four years, I don't have to be waiting for anything to start. That's another thing I'm learning. TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT. All we have is now. God's grace and love and truth and the redemption we have is full and true and huge and pure and perfect any and all seconds.  It is always complete.  Always powerfull. He is always worthy of praise.  Live each second at a time. We arn't promised any more.  Don't worry. Don't give in to fear.  Planning is good, but do it for the glory of God not for legalism.  Be prepared for your responsibilities but when things don't work out the way you wanted them to, don't freak out. don't get mad. I do so many times. I cussed under my breath several times over the last two days cause things kept going wrong. I really like to say shit when I'm mad. It's kinda funny.  Anyway, we shouldn't get freaked out cause we're not in control.  It's like, "Remember. You gave your life to Christ. All of it. Every second. He's in the drivers' seat. He's in charge of what's going on in this moment. It may not be pleasant, but God's in control and it's happening for a reason". That sums up the attitude God gave me all through my tumor experience. It may not be pleasant, but I had peace casue I knew it was from God and He was in charge. I had no choice but to fall back on Him and let him handle it.  The blow of the unexpectedness of it showed me how in control God was and how awesome He is cause He knew it was coming and he worked everything out for good. He prepared me for it and brought me through it.  In my sin he loved me.  In my rebellion he pursued me.  In my hurt, my tears (I'm tearing up now) he held me.  He smiled. He sent me blessing after blessing of people and experiences that I miss sooo much now.  He bonded my mother and I again.  He showed me how wonderful and faithful my sister is.  He pushed me to love and forgive my father.  He gave me tough love and taught me to trust Him. 

None of my plans will ever work. I am so human. Thank you God for Jesus. He is more than enough.  God gave me this line yesterday, "The Expanse of His love is unfathomable".  So true. Thank you God. Grace and Peace my friends. Run hard. Run for him and you'll never be tired.

This is a compilation of pics from the movie The New World.  I recomend it to sentimental females such as myself. Very romantic.  The Pocohontas John Smith story. Very well done.  Beautiful scenery. 

God is good. I need my Jesus more than I know. Nothing else satisfies. I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Every Day.